Grief

i'm certainly grieving... so, i've decided to do some research on grieving...

"Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions." - wikipedia

physical: been feeling fairly lathergic for a while...
cognitive: been unable to focus on my research for a while...
behavioural: been quite moody at times... pity my students...
social: reaching... this is bad...
philosophical: ooooh.. my world view has definitely changed...

the classical "grief cycle" has been found to be incomplete... and newer believes, belief that grief comes not in stages, but in processes:

1) shock and numbness
"Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. Persons often remark on how someone appears stoic or strong when they are actually in shock." - wikipedia

well... i can say that i've definitely faced that... was damn depressed for several weeks... might even still be facing it... people often thought that i was quite alright as well... but anyway, it's just all very normal then... so far so good...

2) yearning and searching
"The grieving person tries to locate the lost person. This process appears to be an attempt of the person to cognitively and emotionally begin to let go, by coming to terms with the reality of the loss." - wiki

well.. i can certainly say that i'm going through this now... this is what i consider "reaching"... i certainly hope that it doesn't last too long... still all very normal... so far so good..

3) disorganisation and despair
"These are the processes we normally associate with bereavement, the mourning and severe pain of being away from the loved person. There are no easy answers to assuage this difficult experience: it must simply be endured, although it may take years of all of the above experiences overlapping, waxing and waning before the last process takes place." - wiki

oh goodness me... this sounds just absolutely terribly horrible!! and i don't think that i've actually gone through this yet... like i said... i've not had my big cry yet... it's slowly building... and it says that it may take years!! oh goodness me... i'm certainly not looking forward to this...

4) reorganisation
"Reorganization is the assimilation of the loss and redefining of life and meaning." - wiki

certainly not quite here yet... maybe a little bit of the "redefining" part...

arrrgggghhhh!!! this is absolutely horrible... must come up with a strategy to handle this problem... cannot let it continue to eat at me... can feel this turning into a downward spiral... must think up a way to handle this...

A) a typical response would be.. first step would probably involve killing all emotional reponses... second step would inevitable involve building up a wall... third step, would just be to fight it all off, until i can fight no more... this would probably be the fastest response...

B) weirdly, a friend of mine suggested the other day that i should get a new girl... and that would help me get over things quickly... although his logic makes some sense, i do not believe in doing something like that... it would not be honest on my part and not be good for the girl... so, this won't work..

C) alternatively, i could just let it all wash over me... and just ride the wave... it would be painful... for obvious reasons... might even drown... and it would take a long time... however, it would probably result in the least damage (assuming i survive)...

hmm... maybe a combination of methods?? A + C might make some sense... since i've got things to do now (like finish my PhD), A would make perfect sense... C should be something to consider later... why is this so "clinical"?? well... that's just me... strategy A is already kicking in...

as to why i'm blogging this at this hour?? well.. i couldn't sleep... but i've got 9am labs later... so, i should get some sleep... damn...