Wednesday, June 13, 2007

On breaking up and being single

I've just realised that it's been almost a year since I broke up with my (now) ex girlfriend. I've many concerned friends here who have been asking me to move on. It's nice to know that I have concerned friends, who care about my personal well-being. However, I doubt that any of them really understand what it was like for me. So, I'm going to talk a bit about it (keeping in mind that this is only one side of the story).

Let's start with the positive. The nicest thing about our breakup is that it wasn't a bad breakup where we both bitch and curse each other. There are many couples that end up like that and I think that it's immature to behave that way. But, this does not mean that it was an easy breakup, by any means. There is nothing simple about ripping out, from your heart, someone that's been a permanent part of your life for almost 7 years. When you have been together for that long, the two lives become inextricably inter-twined.

So, picking up the pieces after the breakup literally meant picking pieces up. Sometimes, it's difficult to sort out which pieces are mine and which ones are hers. The pieces got mixed up during assimilation. After the pieces have been sorted out, they have to be stuck together again. But somehow, the pieces just don't quite fit together as before. There will undoubtedly be gaps in places and visible scarring elsewhere. To put it in engineering terms, where once was a nice crystal structure, there are now many grain boundaries.

We had both started blogging actively after our breakup. Personally, it helped me vent my pain and frustration. I guess that it probably helped her too. There were many questions that needed answering but not many answers were to be found. For both of us, it was a fairly painful experience. It isn't that we had never been through breakups before. This one is just different. I would like to say that it's because we were together for a long time but I think that it's simply because we were both very close.

I tend to think that she got over it faster than I did, which was a good thing. It wouldn't do to have both of us trashing about at the same time. Then, one day, several months after our breakup, I finally let it all go. All the sadness, pain and emptiness inside of me just welled up and I wept uncontrollably. Only after casting off the emotional baggage, can I move on. Still, breaking up is a painful experience and it is not something that I would want to go through again in the near future.

After that, euphoria! For the first time in a long time, I was single and free. I could do whatever I wanted to without thinking about how it would affect anyone else but me. Single life certainly has it's perks. For someone who values personal freedom, this is priceless. However, I also know what it felt like to be in a stable relationship, to have someone to talk to and hold. I tell some of my younger friends that, there are benefits being in a stable relationship, but you have to give up some of your personal freedoms to have it.

So, I have just this to say to my concerned friends. It took me a while to get over it. Thanks for tolerating my random emotional fluctuations. A special thanks goes out to those who kept me company during the tough times. However, three months certainly wasn't enough time to get over it. I don't care what you think other people did or what you think is an optimal time for grieving. I had to take my own time to get over it myself. It is not fair for me to get a girlfriend just to help me get over my breakup. It's a selfish idea that will only cause more pain and suffering.

PS: I do not claim to be an expert on matters of the heart. This is just a personal rant. Feel free to forget everything that you have just read.

No comments: